New Year's Resolution of a Government Assassin

Whether you hear it from me or you hear it from BuzzFeed - I am an assassin in the employment of the United States government.   I have been under contract with our nation’s government for the past five years. Before this public announcement, no one but my handler, Shawn Contreras of Texas, know of my existence.  Well, my wife and kids know I exist, but no one knows what I do for a living. With this new year and new presidential administration, I hope to change all that. 

I am tired of living in the shadows and waiting for heads of state in foreign countries to leave their mistresses house just so I can thrust an HiV filled needle in their neck.  I want to be able to tell my kids how I started a riot between a bunch of hooligans at a soccer – excuse me futbol – game because it covered any trace of my being there.

Right now, my kids do not invite me to Career Day at school because they think all I do is process medical insurance claims and write a blog no one ever reads.  Sure it’s the perfect cover for what I do, but do I have my kids’ respect?  I have started and stopped international incidents over three day weekends, but what good is it if I miss my daughter’s basketball games?  My son started a YouTube channel where he plays Minecraft and tens of thousands of people watch his videos.  What the hell is Minecraft anyways? 

Oh my wife knows.  She’s totally cool with my job.  She sometimes asks if I could take out a celebrity so her favorite can win Dancing with the Stars.  Usually the answer is no.

Usually.

Yet with Trump coming into the White House, I know with that comes transparency.   Obama promised transparency, but didn’t really deliver.  With the threat of Russian hacks and fake news trending twenty-four hours a day on social media, it was only a matter of time I was going to be exposed for what I do behind the scenes for our country.  Because of this, I am making it a New Year’s resolution for 2017 and this new presidential administration to step down from being a government assassin.  I want to be able to cheer at my daughter’s basketball games and witness firsthand her dominance rather than through my wife’s SnapChat.  I want to be able to subscribe to my son’s YouTube channel and find out what the crap Minecraft really is.  I want to be at home more on my time and no one else’s. 

I will need to find a new job that can support my addiction to Dr Pepper and Monster Energy Drinks.

Maybe I can start driving an Uber.  That should get me an invite to Career Day.

Yeah, I’d still want to do my thing every now and then when I hear about North Korea threatening to test long range missiles, but that is why the country has other great assassins in its employment like Tyler Wyatt in Oklahoma and Karl Spencer in Kentucky.

Happy New Year and Happy New President, America.