Saturday, December 17, 2016

Autobiography - Page 112 [484 Words Contest Entry]

… and that is why my family was kicked out of Sugar Land, Texas and told to never return for the rest of Betty White’s life.

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                It wasn’t long after the Sugar Land banishment when I got the call from The Workshop.  My new handler would be an agent by the name of Bradly Cooper.  No, not THAT Bradly Cooper, it’s just a guy with the same name as THAT Bradly Cooper.  I made it a point not to bring up the exact similarities of the name to my new handler.  I’m sure he had heard it all before – a lot like I did growing up with the last name of “Bolton.”

                “Bolton, huh?” a teacher, employer or police officer would start, “any relation to Michael?”

                Most of the times I’d say no and get my speeding ticket. But when MySpace and Facebook started to become a thing I decided to put my aforementioned Photoshop skills into play.  I started to superimpose a picture of the soulful R&B singer and me into pictures together.  We’d be playing softball; baking cookies; having Thanksgiving dinner; but not Christmas dinner – he’s a busy guy.  So now I would say, “Heck yeah we’re related!!” and I’d show them the pictures.  Those idiots would be so jealous.

                But Agent Bradly Cooper wasn’t related to THAT Bradly Cooper because who in the Cooper family would name two kids “Bradly”?  When the wife and I were trying to pick out baby names for one of the kids (I honestly don’t remember which one, but let’s say it was Emma), we couldn’t pick a name that had already been claimed by a family member.  We couldn’t claim it even it was an in-law or a middle name.  We also couldn’t claim it if it was my mother-in-law’s elementary school mortal enemy.  So it’s safe to say that Agent Bradly Cooper wasn’t related to the “Sexiest Man Alive” but I’m sure he isn’t too horribly deformed.  I’m assuming he’s partially deformed since he does have a desk job.

                When Agent Bradly Cooper called me, I was standing in the check-out lane at Target.  I had just run in there for a new iron, but ended up with about three-hundred dollars’ worth of glorious household items of various solid primary colors.  We talked while Olive the twenty-something cashier scanned my impulse items.  Agent Bradly Cooper informed me of changes in the ranks and protocols since the Livingston assignment fiasco.  I’m a team player so I understood.  It would mean working with new agents and over greater geographical areas.  I scheduled time to meet him in Washington and noticed he sounded a lot like Betty White.

                “Bolton, huh?”  Olive asked when handing me back my card. “Do you know there’s a Troy Bolton in High School Musical?”


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You started writing your autobiography earlier this year. In 484 words or fewer, tell us what you’ve written so far on page 112.

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